WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Is Self-Publishing His New Novel

10 Questions for God Almighty

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What The Hell had a chance to sit down with the man upstairs over the weekend and took the opportunity to see if He could clear up a few things:

  1.  Are you following this Trump fiasco? What’s up with that?

Incredible, isn’t it? Most people think that Creation is like a fine Swiss watch, but I like to think of it more as a game of pinball. Sometimes the caroms aren’t very predictable. Don’t worry, though. I have something “ironic” planned for The Donald, involving a number of vicious chihuahuas.

  1.  The world seems to be more screwed up now than it was during the Cold War. I mean, one minute we had a “peace dividend” and the next we’re drone-bombing umpteen Middle East countries and watching ISIS behead journalists.

It’s sad. I held great hope for all the nations of the earth after Gorbachev stepped down. But I’ve had to keep an eye on some other problem areas around the universe — there’s life on about 30 million other planets, you know — where, I mean, talk about clusterf*&$s! Through no fault of my own, mind you …

  1.  Zika virus. That’s the latest pestilence. You seem to have a passion for exotic diseases that we can’t get our heads around, and by the time we figure out what’s happening you come up with a new one.

A hobby. I admit I get a little slapdash sometimes.

  1.  You’ve heard about the evolution vs. intelligent design debate, and often it comes down to, “look at the human eye” on one hand and “look at the giraffe” on the other. Was everything designed with a great scheme in mind, or … something else?

Think of it as doodling.

  1.  In the same vein, I’ve read that human beings only use ten percent of their brain’s capacity. The movie Lucy with Scarlett Johansson touched on this. Why would you design an animal with that much potential and not let it access that potential?

First of all, Scarlett Johansson is one of my best efforts. What a keeper. But as to the human brain — I had early prototypes that used the entire brain, but they either thought of really imaginative ways to stick it to their fellow beings or they were driven to suicide. See, with that much computing power on board, they were able to comprehend that death and eternal life are both horrible outcomes. I had to come up with a solution, and rather than designing from scratch, I did a little rewiring and limited your access to the hardware.

  1.  Speaking of eternal life, is the universe eternal?

Uh, no. I’m not even sure if I’m eternal.

  1.  Well, if you’re not eternal, then what’s it all about? Life, I mean.

All I can offer on that front is how I handled it. The minute I perceived that I existed, I got busy. Thinking things, making things. I wasn’t going to waste a day, much less seven. So my advice to humans is, Do what you gotta do. Get to work. Do something with your hands. Enjoy those sunsets I dish up every evening.

  1.  So you paint us a special sunset each and every day?

Actually, it’s an app.

  1.  If you suddenly understood that you exist, doesn’t that mean someone or something must have created you?

Duh! Somebody flicked the switch on the Big Bang. My thinking is it was an accident.

  1. OK, once and for all: What’s the one true religion?

Nice try.

WTH: Thanks for taking the time to chat with us today, sir. Or, uh, Your Holiness.

God: Oh, you can call me Howard.

WTH: Howard?

God: You know: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name …

WTH: Another mystery solved!

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17 comments on “10 Questions for God Almighty

  1. islandeditions
    March 2, 2016

    It’s ALL an app! (Great post, WTH!)

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 2, 2016

      You’ve probably heard of those researchers who think “reality” might be a computer simulation in the future. Not far from app territory! Oy …

      • islandeditions
        March 2, 2016

        Hmmm … great premise for a novel, I’m thinking.

      • Kevin Brennan
        March 2, 2016

        You wanna take a crack at it? 😜

  2. kingmidget
    March 2, 2016

    Doodling!!! And, yes, the ultimate truth … if there is a God, who created him (or her) (( or it ))? The fundamental question no religion can answer. 😉

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 2, 2016

      Best not to think about these things too long. Then again, I still believe in Santa Claus!

      • kingmidget
        March 2, 2016

        There are people who don’t? What are you suggesting?

        A few years ago, I had a conversation with a very Catholic friend about get beliefs. When I got to the question of who made God, she said the equivalent of “it doesn’t matter.”

      • Kevin Brennan
        March 2, 2016

        Right. Can’t get around that one!

  3. sknicholls
    March 2, 2016

    Laugh out loud funny. I’m convinced God is an ordinary guy on some far away planet totally amused by our faith in him. A little narcissistic, but not nearly as much as Drumpf.

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 2, 2016

      Heh heh. I’m pretty sure God doesn’t even know we exist! I wish I didn’t know Drumpf exists …

  4. John W. Howell
    March 2, 2016

    Nice job

  5. beachbrennan
    March 2, 2016

    The ‘How did God get here’ question is what got me kicked out of Catholic school at the tender age of 9. I was not being blasphemous, as the nuns and priests told my parents, I just wanted an answer. They showed me the door, I guess they didn’t want me infecting the good boys and girls! Thank you though for trying to get some answers Kevin!

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 3, 2016

      Man, if a kid can’t ask a simple question, what’s the world coming to?

      I think the Big Guy raised more questions than he answered here, though …

  6. 1WriteWay
    March 3, 2016

    LMAO. In our favorite TV show, Supernatural, we learn that God has a sister called the Darkness. She’s a bit unhinged. And God’s been AWOL for the last few seasons. Angels and demons run amuck. But I digress. If there truly is a God (or gods), I do suspect a lot of doodling …

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 3, 2016

      Well, Creation is always a work in progress, eh? “When you doodle, your noodle’s flyin’ blind!”

  7. cinthiaritchie
    March 4, 2016

    Love this! What a cool idea (kind of jealous I didn’t think of it first). Especially love what God says about rewiring our hardware–too funny! But wait! I thought God was a woman. Maybe she transitioned to a man, eh?, to see how the other half lives.
    Really fun post. Have a great weekend.

    • Kevin Brennan
      March 4, 2016

      Ha! I hope God’s a woman, but judging by the state of things I kinda doubt it …

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