WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Writes About What It's Like

Missed callings

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Sometimes I think I’d make a good life coach. For one reason, the whole life coaching game seems like a classic caveat emptor, and I’d like to think I could play that game. Anybody who’s willing to pay someone good money to tell them stuff like “pay off your credit card bill every month” needs to beware. In fact, the first thing I’d tell clients is, “Don’t pay me good money to tell you common sense stuff you should be able to come up with yourself!”

If they chose not to heed this advice, we would proceed.

After “Don’t pay me good money to tell you common sense stuff you should be able to come up with yourself,” my next recommendation would be to withdraw from society. The number one source of daily stress and consternation is other people (see Sartre), so it stands to reason that limiting your contact with them is life-affirming.

Many clients will have jobs, however, and will not be able to withdraw entirely from society. What they can do instead is turn down workplace invitations to baby showers, potlucks, and softball games, spend lunch hour alone in their cubicles eating sandwiches they make at home (or leftover bulgar pilaf in dingy Tupperware containers), and definitely skip the annual holiday parties. Soon enough their co-workers will ostracize them, which leads me to the next piece of advice.

Always find ways to let others do the hardest things for you.

The main lesson clients will learn from me as their life coach will be that life is really a very simple proposition. I’ll hand out t-shirts that say “Simplify!” on the front and “Get Away From Me!” on the back.

Examples:

○Instead of owning a car, keep a stable of friends and family willing to drive you around whenever you need to go somewhere. If you have enough of them, any single one won’t get too furious with you for taking advantage of them.

○Rent a room in someone’s home rather than paying for an apartment, or worse, buying your own home. Do the math. Maintenance and insurance add up! If you can stay in your childhood home till you’re forty, all the better.

○Divide your days into bite-sized intervals and assign them specific tasks to be performed only during those intervals. If 10:00 to 10:15 is time to floss, then don’t even think about Googling cats at that time. The time to Google cats is 2:20 to 2:35.

○Stay out of debt, obviously. When you do have to borrow money, borrow from your stable of ride-givers, a concept called “doubling up.” Why have twice as many people angry at you?

○If you find that you’re drinking too much, it’s probably because you’ve withdrawn from society and have no close friends to talk to. You might need to cut back a little. On the other hand, drinking too much is preferable to going out and making friends, who will only wind up being mad at you for asking them for rides all the time.

So you see, life coaching is really all about helping people achieve their full potential. Clearly they’re struggling, or they wouldn’t need a life coach. But if I can help just one person see that there’s no point in trying to get their life in order because they frankly don’t have it in them to be anything but a model of despair, I’ll consider myself to have succeeded.

My life coaching motto? Nobody knows what the hell they’re doing. Join the club!

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18 comments on “Missed callings

  1. luannemart
    January 6, 2017

    hilarious!

  2. 1WriteWay
    January 6, 2017

    Hah! Making a note here that I’ll keep you as my friend but let someone else hire you as a life coach 😉

  3. S.K. Nicholls
    January 6, 2017

    Hahaha! I need you, Kevin Brennan. There are so many times I want to close the door on society and just live my life, but we authors can’t do that and sell books 😦

  4. Phillip McCollum
    January 6, 2017

    Kevin, I think you’ve just hatched a non-fiction project: “The Anti-Coach – A No Nonsense Approach to Nietzschean Living”

  5. John W. Howell
    January 6, 2017

    You could make a killing. My life has changed already.

  6. Audrey Driscoll
    January 6, 2017

    A fresh new approach here. It may appeal to those who don’t relate well to “positivity.”

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This entry was posted on January 6, 2017 by in Et alia and tagged , .
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