Health scare reform

Well, the Republican health care bill — CyniCare^® — has failed to spawn in the House, but you would still be wise to get your ducks in a row in case they quickly animate a new legislative zombie, say, UnSurance^®. Either way, they’re determined that something on the order of 24 million people have to lose their coverage. Are you one of them?

Well, if you voted for Trump, odds are pretty good that you’ll find yourself behind the health care eight ball. Way to go. If you voted for Gary Johnson or Jill Stein, you were already sick. How sad that you didn’t get care in time.

But who needs health insurance when it’s just as easy to save your money, then waltz into an ER when you’re sick or injured? It’s efficient. The medical staff will hate your guts and treat you like a barnyard animal, but hey — you outsmarted the system, bro! Boo-yah. Now, it’s possible that your local medical center will transfer you to the nearest state or city hospital, which will resemble scenes from Les Misérables, but that’s okay because you won’t be there very long. In n’ out, dead or alive.

Here are a few things you can do to avoid illness and injury in the meantime. It’s just a fact that hospitals are full of sick people, so it’s best to stay away from them if at all possible.

• Eat only leafy green vegetables. A lot of this is actually free for the picking in area parks and along highways and city streets. Dandelion greens are tasty substitutes for food. Grass is considered a delicacy — by dogs — and it’s plentiful. Sometimes the stuff that comes up between sidewalk slabs can make a nice garnish.

• Before going out, dress in a suit made of bubble wrap. This will soften the blow of getting hit by cars as you stumble across the street, or some guy throwing a punch because you look like the Michelin man. A bike helmet completes the picture.

• Steer clear of alcohol, tobacco, and drinks with high-fructose corn syrup, such as — all of them. Yes, the alcohol would have made it easier to eat nothing but leafy green vegetables, but you’d only be negating all your hard work. Smoking might actually be okay, now that I think about it, since tobacco was at one time a leafy green vegetable.

• Exercise vigorously at all times.

• Try hard not to get diabetes.

• Maintain a calm demeanor, since stress is a risk factor for all kinds of lethal conditions. Try not to think about the fact that you have no health insurance.

• When engaging in risky behavior like rock climbing and watching Fox News, always have someone there to spot you.

• Finally, go ahead and pay whatever it takes to get any crappy kind of health insurance you can, because it’s worth up to $30K a year in premiums and copays to be able to eat red meat, have a goddamn beer, and climb an effing mountain every now and then.

More helpful life advice from What The Hell.