WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Writes About What It's Like

Elvis lives … next door

The neighbor’s new dog is barking again. Elvis. He’s some kind of exotic waterdog breed, and it’s been two months of him left alone in the yard when his mom and dad go away. He barks all the livelong day, this shrill, shrieking howl of a bark.

The neighbor wife came over and told us, the day before his first day alone, that he might have a little trouble, since he’d never been left alone outside before. He’s a few months old now. Maybe a year. But he’s been her baby, and now her baby is alone outside in the yard and he’s trying to reach her by barking for nine hours straight.

My wife knows how I am. I’ve already started on my aneurysm. And I know from experience that there’s no going at this any way but directly, because last time, with a different neighbor, I went through the HOA  and they said there wasn’t anything they could do so it was up to us and, eventually, law enforcement, so I wound up writing a letter since we didn’t know these neighbors. They were affronted, but later their dog died so problem solved. They probably think we poisoned the dog, and though that had occurred to me we didn’t go through with it.

Now I’m wondering if the best thing would be for something to “happen” to Elvis.

People up here in the country don’t respond well to being told their dogs are too loud. They say, He’s keeping the wild animals away. He’s a dog — that’s what dogs do.

If we don’t say anything and something eventually “happens” to Elvis, I think we’d be in the clear. But if we say something and make a fuss, then something “happens” to Elvis, we’ll be the first ones they suspect.

Or I could just send my wife over there because she’s “the nice one,” and she’ll work some kind of magic with them and they’ll find a way to keep Elvis inside during the day so we can have our windows open and I won’t have to wear headphones all day, which is good because that’s not so great for your hearing, to wear headphones all day. I already have tinnitus. I hate to think of getting dog-induced deafness on top of everything else.

I don’t like Elvis. I want Elvis silenced. Elvis, like his namesake, has a way of getting in your head uninvited and staying there too long, on repeat.

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7 comments on “Elvis lives … next door

  1. John W. Howell
    April 5, 2017

    I feel your pain. I couldn’t live with a barking dog and these people are the rudest. I have an idea. Record the dog barking and then play it back over a loudspeaker starting about nine o’clock at night till midnight. If they complain tell them it’s their dog.

  2. kingmidget
    April 5, 2017

    So, there’s this interesting thing that’s been around for some time now. It’s called a doggy door. They could put one in so the dog can be inside the house during the day and go outside to do its business.

    Doggy door.

    That they gave you a forewarning suggests to me they realized it might be a problem — and they may be more amenable to your expressions regarding the dilemma you now have.

    Doggy door.

    Or, yeah, something needs to happen. I know a guy who knows a guy.

    Doggy door.

    If they’re unwilling to house train the dog and install a doggy door than they believe that their problems belong to you. That’s no way to be a neighbor.

    Doggy door.

    I say all of this as the unhappy owner of two dogs — one of which is an endless barker. But it generally lives inside, even when we’re not home because we have that thing.

    Doggy door.

    Yes, it races outside occasionally and barks until we yell at it, but it’s not outside all of the time and I’m relatively certain it doesn’t go outside and bark incessantly when we’re not home because the neighbors haven’t complained about that.

    Doggy door.

    • Kevin Brennan
      April 5, 2017

      Classic, Mark! I’m gonna print this out and stick it in their mailbox. 😉 Or through their Doggy Door!

  3. islandeditions
    April 9, 2017

    Aw, he ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time …

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This entry was posted on April 5, 2017 by in Et alia and tagged , .
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