WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Writes About What It's Like

A humorous list rejected by McSweeney’s

The Veep’s Official Portrait

Reasons why Mike Pence won’t dine alone with a woman other than his wife

Is self-conscious about looking like an albino G.I. Joe

Has odd dining habits such as eating bread sticks like corn on the cob

Doesn’t understand the term “to go Dutch” — vaguely lesbian

Can’t get over the way women order salad dressing on the side

Wouldn’t be able to order chicken breast without huge embarrassment

Thinks no woman can resist his beguilingly translucent skin

Afraid of cooties

The woman in question wouldn’t “bring her foxy friend” 

Eats oysters in a particularly disturbing way

Always orders oysters

Has trouble with eye contact with certain women

Can’t imagine a woman other than his wife wanting to dine alone with him

Doesn’t think most women would sign his obedience agreement

Is intimidated by “nasty women,” which is all of them (except his wife)

Thinks all pre-dinner small talk is just another form of foreplay (except with his wife)

Suspects a lot of women might be laughing at him behind his back (possibly even his wife)

Finds lipstick stains on wine glasses unbelievably erotic

Is pretty sure he couldn’t resist sweeping away all the dishes and taking her right there on the table top

Prefers the company of well-informed, Ivy League-educated, conservative, hot hot men

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8 comments on “A humorous list rejected by McSweeney’s

  1. kingmidget
    April 8, 2017

    Oh my god … lipstick stains on wine glasses. Anything but that!

    • Kevin Brennan
      April 8, 2017

      You can see how Mike could get (privately) obsessed by that, eh? Try not to think about it …

      • kingmidget
        April 8, 2017

        It’s fascinating how much the right went after Obama for being something different, something exotic, something un-American. he wasn’t really a family man. It was all a sham. And from what I saw, Obama was likely the most normal and ordinary man to occupy that office in a long time. Now, we have a VP who can’t even sit in a room with a woman who is not his wife. It’s just insane.

  2. 1WriteWay
    April 10, 2017

    There’s some truths in your list: I can’t imagine any woman other than his wife wanting to dine alone with him (and who knows if even she really does). And anyone who would be willing would probably be laughing behind his back or even in front of his face … actually, the guy totally creeps me out. He’s so patriarchal. Ugh.

    • Kevin Brennan
      April 10, 2017

      He so reeks of that whole Promise Keeper movement, where the women are supposed to be submissive toward their husband/lord. I mean, ICKY!

      • 1WriteWay
        April 10, 2017

        Yeah, I’ve often worried myself over which would be worse: Trump as Prez or Pence as Prez. In many ways, Pence is scarier for me. He’s extremely conservative but he probably has plenty of social capital in Congress to make The Handmaid’s Tale a reality.

      • Kevin Brennan
        April 11, 2017

        Who knew that The Handmaid’s Tale wasn’t fiction: it was prophecy! 😱

      • 1WriteWay
        April 12, 2017

        I read it when it first came out. Scared the crap out of me.

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This entry was posted on April 8, 2017 by in Et alia and tagged , .
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