WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Writes About What It's Like

People used to write letters

We got another letter from our friend, “A”, about the only one who ever writes to us anymore. I shared one of her other notes almost four years ago now,  but this one might be even better. Here it is, exactly as she wrote it:

Dear Sue & Kevin,

You have no idea how nice it was to get your letter. I am such a bad person though. I laughed at your bulging eyeballs & pressure inflammation. I’m such scum that I just laughed again when I re-read it. How did we get here? I need some major dental work & did trip on an unseen step while going to the Mobil Gas snack shop. I also sat on my glasses (several times), and now when I look at my venetian blinds the slats look curvy instead of straight. That’s curvy not curry. I have other tripulations [sic] dribbleulations too. I got fired 3 weeks ago. It wasn’t unexpected. I could have resigned, but I figured, Why? I may as well collect unemployment since I had already been looking for other jobs. Actually, the timing was good. My mom has begun to get bedsores & the doctor who makes house calls told Paul that she is getting close to needing hospice care. The upside is that put the spikes into Paul & he has been insisting that she eat better & actually buying all the foods she loves but that he hates to smell (meat, he is a vegan). He now watches her until she gets it all down. So my mom has rallied a little & that’s good. Sue, your mom is original. Has she been married twice or 3 times now? She is definitely feisty & fearless. It’s just too bad that, unlike my mom, she doesn’t have $30,000,000 in cash under her bed in a cardboard box. Your mom has also not been able to secure a government job at the age of 92 & communicate with her federal contact via the 800 number on the bottom of all Kimberly-Clark Kleenex boxes. Nor has she had the pleasure of being kidnapped by people who hate Jews & taken to a mountain top where her exemplary government training allowed her to talk her way out of being assimilated & yes, escape to freedom. Where is the Yellow Rolls Royce? If Alain Delon would show up this could be a box office smash. If he isn’t available perhaps we could get Tim Curry to fill in, he lives in Los Angeles & sings & could play a male & female role!

Love,

A”

9 comments on “People used to write letters

  1. Phillip McCollum
    June 22, 2017

    Man, so much said in so few words. I think I’m inspired to write some letters. I think… Thanks for sharing, Kevin.

    • Kevin Brennan
      June 22, 2017

      She’s a master of concision, but she might be revealing more about herself than she means to. 😉

  2. pinklightsabre
    June 22, 2017

    Bizarre, this notion: so enamored by a letter I’m going to post it on the internet! Just bizarre. No letters, no more. Even more bizarre.

    • Kevin Brennan
      June 22, 2017

      Well, not all letters are worthy of posting on the internet. But one that mentions Alain Delon and Tim Curry has to get special consideration.

      • pinklightsabre
        June 23, 2017

        Agreed 👍

  3. kingmidget
    June 22, 2017

    I so want to get back into the art of letter writing. I don’t know where to start. Who to write a letter to. What to say. It all just seems so … odd.

    But I must do it.

    • Kevin Brennan
      June 22, 2017

      How about picking someone at random out of the phone book?

      Oh, I forgot. There’s no phone book anymore …

      • kingmidget
        June 23, 2017

        That would be kind of interesting, though. Pick a random stranger and write them a letter and see what happens. Hmmm…..

      • Kevin Brennan
        June 23, 2017

        I remember writing letters to people in Iowa in support of Howard Dean, back in ’04 I guess it was. That didn’t seem to go over very well! 😉

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This entry was posted on June 22, 2017 by in Writing and tagged .
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