WHAT THE HELL

Kevin Brennan Writes About What It's Like

Holiday advice from your What The Hell life coach

Here they come again. The holidays. Always difficult, but even more so now that I know that the Stove Top Stuffing Thanksgiving dinner pants have sold out. (True.)

My wife and I always have low-key holidays, and as a result we’re happier human beings. For instance, this Thanksgiving Eve we’re going to a roadside steakhouse in Nevada City for dinner and martinis, followed by a stop at our favorite Indian restaurant in Grass Valley to grab a three-day supply of lamb vindaloo. On Thursday evening we’ll be thankful when the burning stops.

I can’t expect everyone to live the way we do, since most people have something called “friends and family.” I suppose we’re just blessed to be introvert-hermits. But here are a few things you can do to make the holidays more pleasant this year – bearable, even. Do try these at home:

Instead of inviting everyone over for dinner, set up a festive Skype conference call.

Jump the gun on California’s 2018 legal marijuana sales and spike your stuffing with some nice Bubba Kush. Everyone will wonder why Uncle Dave has parked himself in the recliner, staring at his hand.

Avoid the crowds and start next year’s Christmas shopping now.

Better yet, tell everyone you know that you no longer wish to give or receive gifts. That way you won’t be invited to any events or gatherings and you can stay home and binge on Stranger Things.

Confront any Trump-loving relatives not with well-reasoned arguments but instead with an enigmatic, Spock-like gaze. They’ll soon move away from you to torture someone else.

To avoid eating too much, have a hearty meal before heading out to relatives’ Thanksgiving dinner.

Forget about watching football this year. It has become too political. Instead, try a holiday marathon of “chessboxing.” It exists.

When the holidays are over and the new year begins with its usual sense of heartbreaking disappointment, try to remember the simple things and embrace life for what it is: a bewildering cluster of chaotic and incomprehensible events interrupting two blocks of dark, eternal nothingness.

Well, I hope these tips will help you get through the “holidaze,” as we like to call it here at What The Hell, with a positive attitude and the appropriate objectivity. It’s important to remember that it’s not about you. It’s about salvaging the retail sector’s fiscal year with a record-breaking fourth quarter.

[Image via Alexas_Fotos at Pixabay.]

14 comments on “Holiday advice from your What The Hell life coach

  1. pinklightsabre
    November 20, 2017

    Football has become too political, just as ridiculous.

    • Kevin Brennan
      November 20, 2017

      When chessboxing becomes political, I’m done, man.

  2. kingmidget
    November 20, 2017

    I sooooo wish for a Thanksgiving like yours. Instead I married a woman who believes it is the time to have as many people over as possible. Every year, year after year, until the end of time. Sigh …

    And she will never understand why this is all too much for me.

    • Kevin Brennan
      November 20, 2017

      It’s like the way I cringe when I watch “House Hunters,” and the people say, “We LOVE to entertain!” To my ear it’s the same as “We LOVE to stab our eyes with fondu forks!”

      I feel for you man.

      • kingmidget
        November 20, 2017

        In preparation for “retirement” in a couple of years, I want to downsize, which to me means a condo or small house with as little yard as possible. I want to be near the river or a lake or the ocean. My objective is to have a space that requires as little maintenance as possible so I can spend my time out in the world. The missus’ idea of downsizing is to go from four bedrooms to three but to have a backyard that is good for entertaining. I walk around with fondue forks in my pocket. Use them regularly. 😉

  3. Woebegone but Hopeful
    November 20, 2017

    There will be annual wailing of British retail chain and advertising agency executives as they realised they have still failed to find a way to import Thanksgiving to our shores.

    • Kevin Brennan
      November 20, 2017

      Savor the time before that happens, my friend.

      • Woebegone but Hopeful
        November 20, 2017

        Thanks for the warning.

  4. Yahooey
    November 20, 2017

    The Amnesia Haze Holidaze.

  5. avorkov
    November 20, 2017

    That last bullet point sounds like my version of “wistful.”

    • Kevin Brennan
      November 20, 2017

      I’m so full of wist, you wouldn’t believe it. 😐

      • avorkov
        November 20, 2017

        Feeling even more cheerful than usual lately? It’s not the dumb contest thing, I hope.

  6. Audrey Driscoll
    November 20, 2017

    Hmm. The Bubba Kush spiked stuffing would be just the thing for Trump-lovers. And as one of the two members of the Pacific Avenue Misanthropes’ Society, I think your approach to the holidaze is spot-on.

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